Saturday, September 8, 2012

Been a while....

It's been a while since I felt inspired to write anything.  I wish I could say it's because my life is going so swimmingly well, but it feels like it's not.  That's the crappy thing about depression.  Superficially speaking, my life is going VERY well.  It's just that my eyes are looking at the world with feces colored lenses.

I haven't been able to afford one of my meds, and I haven't taken it in about a month.  This medication really helped control some of the annoying parts of being an Aspie.  The last few weeks have been a nightmare - every sound and smell at work has been driving me nuts.  The fluorescent lights and their incessant humming, the glare of the computer screen, the flashing light when my phone rings, the sound of someone laughing (and why do I always feel they are laughing at/about me?) and all the chatter in the background - these things eat away at my ability to stay calm and focused and get my work done.

There have also been a few events that would be sad or depressing for anyone.  It has been six months since my friend died.  I miss her every day, in a way that I never missed her when she was alive, even though she lived halfway across the country and we rarely got to speak.  Just knowing she was there if I needed to speak with her, or she with me, was enough to not feel the distance.  It gets more and more real that she is gone, and I miss her so.  I also lost my dog a little over a month ago.  Even though her "dad" had custody of her, she was still a great comfort to me when I was sad.  Nothing can cheer you up like a dog licking your tears as they fall.

We increased my other med, and I got a refill on the one I can't afford.  I'm going to try taking that one on an as-needed basis, since it's not like an anti-depressant, where you need to keep it in your system at a steady level.  That should help it last longer.  Then I can get to work on cleaning my lenses.

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