Grieving Again

This past couple weeks has been pretty hard.  Truth be told, the whole year has been hard, but the last couple weeks have just made it worse.  As many people much more eloquent than I have written, there was a shooting yesterday at a school in Connecticut.  I will not be writing about that here, as I don't feel that I have anything to add to the conversation, other than that all the families affected are in my prayers.  Two weeks ago, one of my classmates lost her husband prematurely.  (and while yes, even at 90 it feels premature to the remaining spouse, just like in the loss of my dear sweet friend in February, my classmate had only 11 years with her husband.  At our ages, they should have had 60 more.)  All this death reminds me that our lives here on earth are not guaranteed, and are very precious indeed.

The loss of my classmate's husband made me feel the loss of O.C. even more.  It was a reminder that she was gone.  I don't remember if O.C. and J.L. were at school at the same time - but I hope that they have met up in heaven and sent some love down to their spouses who miss them so very very much.  That may not be a Biblical picture of heaven, but I find it comforting to think that when you get there, you see some people you know, and don't get lonely at all.

Of course, then I remember that we are going to be so very overcome with the joy and grandeur of seeing Jesus face to face that the things that worried us here will be forgotten.  Heaven won't be a scary place; it won't matter that we go there alone, because we won't be alone when we arrive.  We will truly know peace, and feel pure love, without the distortions of the world interfering.

Knowing this doesn't lessen my selfish tears, though.  I didn't know my classmate or her husband very well, but I knew them well enough to know that they are the kind of people about which you say "Why them?".  And with O.C., well, I did know her well enough to ask God why there couldn't be another way.  Part of me is jealous that she has all the answers before me (which is kind of how it was in life too - she was a very smart woman!), and the other part is mad that God took her away.  I want my friend back.

Then I feel guilty, because although she was very very loved, life was painful for her.  I shouldn't want my friend back, because that would mean a return from Heaven's bliss to the horrible, horrible pain of the things she's endured.  I should be happy that God has rescued her from this body of death and that she will never again know pain, or fear, or abandonment.

It makes me feel like a bad friend.  If I truly loved her, I would be happy for her.  But I can't help but be sad for her husband, her daughter, her friends, her parents, and me.

That sadness extends now to my classmate. I don't know their situation.  Maybe life was wonderful, and this was as sudden from the inside as it appears from the outside.  Maybe there were struggles there that outsiders couldn't see, didn't know about.  That is not for me/us to know.

I do know this: God works in every situation, perhaps more in the tragedies.  I cherish my living friends all the more now because I lost O.C.  I have seen a whole community rally around J.L.'s wife both prayerfully and financially.  (you can help too, by going to Everyday Kings and allowing the page to load - the author is donating her revenue to my classmate for the month of December).

I don't pretend to have any answers.  And really, this isn't about me, not in the end.  But here's to hoping  knowing the coming year has to be better than the last.

Good Grief

It has been 9 days since my very good friend left this world.  She was like a sister to me.  As much as I love my blood sisters, she was even more of a sister because I chose her.  I don't know why God took her at such a young age.  I only know that she is gone from this earth and is truly in a much better place - of that I have no doubt.
My friend was a very strong woman.  She suffered a lot in her few years.  It seems unfair in many ways that her time here had to be so marred with pain.  On the other hand, she can now see the whole picture, of which we can't see more than the tiniest pixel.  She is looking at Jesus face to face.  For this I should rejoice.  She will never again know pain.  Every question that we have ever had - she has the answer now.  Considering the joy set before her, I wonder if her new knowledge even matters.  I mean, who cares if Adam had a belly button when you are walking the golden streets with the Big Guy!
I learned something about my participation and vocalization in the size acceptance movement while I was at her funeral luncheon.  This is the part that we leave out so much when we talk about loving our bodies and ourselves regardless of size.  We focus so much on the politics of size and instersectionality, and we forget this very very important aspect:  we are as God made us.  He does not make mistakes.  He knows what He is going to do with us - and He has big plans for us.
You are probably saying to yourself "Fat Aspie, you have gone off the deep end.  God does not have some grand plan for fat people."  Maybe not fat people specifically.  But all people, yes.  God loves each and every one of us - even the people who don't believe in Him, or don't believe in organized religion, or don't have perfect behavior.  He loves ALL of us.
I have read in other blogs things that made me so sad; that people claiming the name of Christ would use His name to tear down others for their size.  If you loved Jesus, you wouldn't be fat.  Gluttony is a sin.  And if it were as simple as gluttony causing fatness, and not being gluttonous causing weight loss, I might could maybe think about buying that argument.  But guess what?  The two don't always go together.
My friend had a ministry in which she made sure that young people knew their place in the Kingdom.  She made sure that they knew that as children of The King (no, not Elvis) they are princes and princesses.  She did not want these teens to lose sight of their worth as they matured in this world that often tells us we are worthless.  Someone at her luncheon pointed out to me that what I do can also be a ministry.  (Thank you, R.E.)
Someone needs to be a voice to counteract the people that tell us fatties that we are sinful for being fat.  Someone needs to stand up and shout "GOD LOVES ALL HIS CHILDREN".  Someone needs to gently whisper that loving your body enough to take care of it by eating healthy foods and moving with joy as you are able is an act of worship.
Using what God gave you to serve Him - lifting your hands in praise, shouting joyfully, walking through His nature, enjoying the food he has provided you - these are acts of worship.  Cooking for your friends and family, thanking Him for your strong, healthy, ample body - also worship.  God loves us, and he loves it when we focus on Him.
I made a little song from a children's song....

Jesus loves the fatty children

All the fatty children of the world

With our rolls and cellulite

We are precious in his sight

Jesus loves the fatty children of the world

No matter what your religious beliefs are, I hope you take some time to realize that you are a precious, beautiful, worthwhile creation.  The feats accomplished by our bodies on a daily basis are little miracles.  (Big miracles if you think about all the things that have to work together just for something as simple as processing our food).  Even if you do not believe you are created, know that you are wonderful.  You don't have to wait until you are x pounds lighter to be wonderful or to be loved, because you already are.
I love this song by Superchic(k) and I hope you will like it too!  If every girl could see her beauty we could be an army....(sorry about the advert at the beginning of the video, but I wanted to make sure the link would always be good, so I used the official one from the record label)